Decipher This Poopy Sign! [Updated]

Tod Kelly

Tod is a writer from the Pacific Northwest. He is also serves as Executive Producer and host of both the 7 Deadly Sins Show at Portland's historic Mission Theatre and 7DS: Pants On Fire! at the White Eagle Hotel & Saloon. He is  a regular inactive for Marie Claire International and the Daily Beast, and is currently writing a book on the sudden rise of exorcisms in the United States. Follow him on Twitter.

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23 Responses

  1. Caleb says:

    My guess:

    The sign is attempting to communicate the property owner’s request that passing canines not defecate on or around their property. It suggests that owners of said canines purchase a device for removing deposited feces, implying that such a device be used should the canine in question defecate within the designated zone. It then states an intention to contact local law enforcement officers, implicitly threatening anyone who fails to head the preceding injunctions with criminal prosecution. Finally, it implores the reader to adhere to the social behavioral patterns instilled in them by their attendance at educational institutions, or to at least behave as if they were.Report

  2. Michael M. says:

    (Not entering the contest) “I call to police” is some kind of expression of existential futility. In Portland, you can get hit by a car and police won’t even bother with a report unless your injuries require a visit to the hospital. “I call to police”…and stare into the void.

    Now if the beleaguered poopy property owner could convince Portland police that the pooper is a human experiencing homelessness or perhaps a dog belonging to someone unhoused, Portland Police Chief Mike Reese would have a S.W.A.T. team assembled within hours, armed with tasers and rubber bullets, which the officers would eschew for real bullets, likely killing the purported pooper or anyone who they happened to think might not have a house. That’s how they do it in Portland.Report

  3. Mike Schilling says:

    We don’t need no education.
    We don’t need no poop control.

  4. ScarletNumbers says:

    Umm, really?

    The owner is tired of dogs shitting on his lawn.

    English is not his first language.


  5. Damon says:

    Perhaps if he had said:

    No poops
    Poops and I shoots
    Act like U have educations
    No poops, I shootsReport

  6. Tod Kelly says:

    I’ll update the post, but since everyone is saying that the answer is obviously that dogs are pooping on this guys lawn, this does not appear to be the case.

    In a neighborhood without much in the way of fences, this house is surrounded by a four foot chain link fence that wraps around the property line, and goes all the way to the street.

    If there are dogs pooping on this person’s lawn, they would be dogs owned by this person.Report

    • aaron david in reply to Tod Kelly says:

      Couple questions @tod-kelly is this the only house with a chain link fence? Is this a neighborhood that is pretty white/middle class?
      I am kinda thinking that this is someone who has been in the neighborhood for a while, is slightly different, a bit of a jerk to kids by American standards, foreign and when he put up a fence to stop people from letting their dog crap on his lawn local kids took it upon themselves to throw poop over the fence.

      Its funny. Its not so funny.Report

    • Road Scholar in reply to Tod Kelly says:

      Hmmm… so now I’m thinking that the poops in question were flung over the fence. Possibly in paper sacks. Possibly on fire.

      I’m also thinking maybe he’s the neighborhood asshole and maybe he kinda deserved it.Report

    • Burt Likko in reply to Tod Kelly says:

      So if there are any dogs pooping on the guys lawn, he owns them.


      If there are dogs pooping on this person’s lawn, they would be dogs owned by this person.

      I have recently been amazed to discover the tininess of a crack in fencing that my forty-five-pound quasi-terrier-ish mutthound is able to squeeze through in an amazingly short amount of time, and the insistence with which she insists on squeezing through it and back. This dog is somehow able to reduce her width to less than four inches across to go sniff at some mud in the garden on the side of our house. You may notice that the dog was a little bit… rotund for her size when I took the picture and I assure you it’s only gotten worse since then — because she sneaks into our vegetable garden to gorge herself on potting soil (as well as other disgusting things) when she’s feeling peckish. When she gets it into her head to go eat dirt, it’s as though gravity draws her to the place she wants to go; all the calling-over, grabbing-by-the-scruff, shouting and other verbal instruction, is for naught because the moment a human’s attention is taken away from her she runs back to the gate to squeeze herself through, only faster this time so she can get away with it, her tail wagging with enjoyment of the game.

      Which is to say that it seems entirely plausible to me that the owner of this sign may well be finding dog poops that originated from a dog not his own, a dog who is sneaking in through an as-yet unnoticed flaw in the frustrated neighbor’s fence. And the dog may be getting in to the neighbor’s lawn strictly to poop there because for whatever reason, he likes pooping there as opposed to his own yard.

      And, yeah, as others have said, it’s apparent that English is not his first language.Report

  7. Michael Cain says:

    Re the third line… I’ll note that “police” can also be a verb, as in “Police your dog” meaning making sure they poop where they’re supposed to, and then clean up after them. Still suggestive of English not being a first language, but “I call [on you] to police [your dogs]” is somewhat in keeping with the other lines.Report

    • I should add that I have seen people walking through my neighborhood restrain their dog from pooping on the grass, insisting instead that they poop on the sidewalk, but still walking away and leaving the mess for the homeowner to clean up. I vote for “If your dog poops on my sidewalk, clean it up.”Report

  8. zic says:

    What is a poop trap? A pooper scooper?

    At least it’s a colorful sign.

    My guess? The owner lost a bar bet, and the sign was his pay-up.Report