Stupid Tuesday questions, au jus edition

Russell Saunders

Russell Saunders is the ridiculously flimsy pseudonym of a pediatrician in New England. He has a husband, three sons, daughter, cat and dog, though not in that order. He enjoys reading, running and cooking. He can be contacted at blindeddoc using his Gmail account. Twitter types can follow him @russellsaunder1.

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59 Responses

  1. Tod Kelly says:

    At the risk of being called an appetitist: yuck.

    If I have to do it, there’s only one way to go: sausage. That seems to work for all kinds of things that I eat that I would gag on if I could see more clearly what it was I was eating.Report

  2. Mike Schilling says:

    You left out Eating Raoul.Report

  3. Kazzy says:

    Jerky. Now made from real jerks!

    Seriously, I don’t know enough about human anatomy to really answer this question. If human meat tends toward the tougher end of the scale, we’re going to have to smoke it. It does not hurt that well made barbecue is delicious. If it is well marbled and succulent, than we’re probably going with steaks, cooked rared, with just a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper.
    @tod-kelly ‘s suggestion of sausage is a relatively safe one… though the litany of sophomoric phallic jokes that would likely ensue might be more than I can swallow.Report

  4. zic says:

    Any dish that’s appropriate for pork would do.

    So a slow braise in milk bolognese-style would be nice. And given the particulars, it would, of course, have to be human milk.

    And of course, the link goes to Martha Stewart’s recipe (there are better) because she’d be a tasteful addition to the menu.Report

    • zic in reply to zic says:

      and I see @kazzy got here first, though not with such a refined meat selection.Report

      • Kazzy in reply to zic says:

        Call me crazy, but human ragout sounds amazing. Maybe with some wild mushrooms?Report

      • zic in reply to zic says:

        Wild mushrooms might be nice.

        Black trumpets, dried and ground, used like a spice add an incredible earthy flavor to cream-based dishes. Golden Chanterelles would be overwhelmed by the tomato, and they’re really only good fresh.

        Oyster mushrooms, maybe. They’re a bit too strong for my tastes, though they’re recommended eating for people with high cholesterol and have shown some benefits as an antiviral for people with HIV.Report

    • dragonfrog in reply to zic says:

      That wouldn’t be kosher though.Report

  5. Tod Kelly says:

    This is reminding me of a similar conversation I once had with one of our guest bloggers, Boris Lutskovsky (who wrote about what it’s like to be Ukrainian). He and others he was in chef school with had apparently given this a lot of thought, and he had a series of potential radishes whose ecipes whose very presses detail were surprisingly… precise.Report

  6. Will Truman says:

    With regard to Kyle’s original question… I recently watched the TV show Siberia. Without going too deep in the plot, it involves a scenario where food is a Very Serious Problem. I was surprised how quickly my mind turned to cannibalism as a viable form of sustenance. The characters didn’t go there, but I did. I’m not sure what to make of that. I prefer “utilitarian” over alternative, more unflattering, descriptions.Report

  7. Kolohe says:

    My money is on the good people of The Soylent folks, mentioned around these parts recently.Report

  8. LeeEsq says:

    Russel, is that Richard and Pat Nixon or Fred McMurray and some actress as your avatar?Report

  9. Saul DeGraw says:

    Ah the Donner PartyReport

  10. dragonfrog says:

    The Cook, the Thief, his Wife, and her Lover, was indeed a very weird movie. I hadn’t thought about that one in a long time.

    I still remember this verse of a song a friend of mine improvised back in highschool. The song was appropriately titled “Would you butcher me for meat?”

    What if we were trapped in a plane and it was really cold outside,
    and all of the Brazilian rugby players who were with us had died?
    We’d eaten all of their meat, right down to to the bone.
    There was nobody with us then, we were all alone

    Would you butcher me for meat?

    Anyway, I guess it would depend on the person – a tough, stringy construction worker who runs marathons as a hobby, I’d stew, maybe with split peas and carrots. The big leg muscles go well slow roasted and served with Carolina barbecue sauce. A soft office worker with sedentary hobbies, perhaps as steaks or stir-fried with greens, mushrooms, and chilies.Report

  11. Burt Likko says:

    On the one hand, it would be very, very rich meat. On the other, it’s supposed to be most similar to pork. So… I’m thinking roasted at least medium after a dry rub with sage, and served with a brown mushroom sauce. And the obligatory fava beans.Report

  12. Mo says:

    I think it might work as the meat in a lasagna or as part of a meatloaf blend.Report

  13. Chris says:

    I suppose a rump roast is out of bounds?Report

  14. Kyle Cupp says:

    Grilled and served with Laphroaig.Report

  15. Kyle Cupp says:

    I really need to finish my short story about the cannibal who will eat only organic people.Report

    • Boegiboe in reply to Kyle Cupp says:

      “And where were you raised, hmm? “Were you treated well, allowed to run around the yard a lot, yes?Report

    • dragonfrog in reply to Kyle Cupp says:

      A certified/certifiably organic human would probably be really hard to find – they’d have to have had nothing to eat that wasn’t organic – in Canada, not only since their birth, but beginning in the third trimester of their mother’s pregnancy. A mother who used hormonal birth control at any point would possibly forever make her offspring non-organic. Etc…Report

  16. zic says:

    So I’m trying to decide if I’d rather be a cannibal or eat a can of bull. (Well, it may be old cow.)

    And if I managed to hunt down the dude who just offered me a $2.9 million bank transfer from the Ghana Dept. of Minerals for dinner, am I serving Spam?

    /ba da dump.

    I no longer recall the title or author, but I long ago read a sci-fi book, culture on another planet where everything that grew was a little bit toxic to the human settlers. So they were cannibals, eating one another after death, as part of the death rights. (blech.) Anyway, the only thing I really remember about the book was the weird religion this lead to, where other humans were ‘sacred’ foods, and the native flora and fauna was ‘profane.’Report

  17. Boegiboe says:

    You didn’t mention Delicatessen, surely the greatest fictional movie about cannibalism ever made.

    In the non-fiction department, I remember in middle school years reading in National Geographic that one way used by actual cannibals to prepare human was to chop off the hands and broil them slowly so that the fingers curled up and juices collected in the palms. It sounded delicious!

    So, I think that suggests how I’d have to go in this guilt-free universe: A good, old-fashioned long-pig pickin’, slowly roasted over applewood or mesquite coals. I think I’d go with one of Jason’s ketchups rather than sticky-sweet BBQ sauce, though, or just plain Tabasco sauce.Report

  18. North says:

    Out of curiosity I’ve read that cannibalism is really really bad for humans. We’re evolved to respond extremely poorly to eating human flesh in the near to moderate term.Report

    • Kim in reply to North says:

      Overall, even cannibalistic societies don’t eat much human as a portion of their diet.
      You have endocannibalism, where you may be eating your dead dad (which, understandably, doesn’t happen often) — or exocannibalism, where you are eating other people’s dead fallen in combat.

      The main concern appears to be passing on diseases (including prions).Report

    • Neil Obstat in reply to North says:

      I recall from the movie “The Book of Eli”, in which the telltale of frequent consumption of human flesh was a hand tremor. Any of you M.D.s have a line on that other than possible prion disease?Report

  19. Mike Dwyer says:

    I’d hack off a leg and cure it country ham style. Give it two years and it would be perfect. Or is this a ‘do it quick before you starve to death’ situation? In that case then I’m wondering if the backstrap is just as delicious on humans as it is on most other creatures (for the un-initiated this is the meat that resides on both side of the spine and is generally the most delicious.

    As an aside, my wife is generally appalled that one of my favorite interactions with our dogs is to grab their legs and tell them, “If we were lost in the wilderness this is the part I would eat first.”Report

  20. Glyph says:


    Franco’s #1!Report

  21. James Hanley says:

    This song seems appropriate here.