[Mount Rushmore is a new weekly series wherein I propose a category and then nominate four items from that category to stand atop a hypothetical Mount Rushmore. The goal here is to foster some good-natured debate in seeking to answer an unanswerable question. Feel free to use the comments to propose your own quartet, discuss the merits of my own choices, and tell others just how wrong they are. I often no guidance on what criteria ought to be applied in answer the question other than that which I choose for myself. Half the fun is in debating the methodology itself. So without further adieu, let’s get it on!]
Oh, the sandwich. One of the culinary world’s greatest inventions. So versatile, so convenient. But which four reign supreme? I’ll tell you…
Peanut Butter and Jelly: A classic. If you think the PB&J is just for kids, you’ve got another thing coming. And, no, I’m not talking about some fancy, deconstructed PB&J made with thousand marmalade made from hand-picked whatever-marmalade-is-made-froms. I’m talking about the original. Two pieces of white bread, peanut butter on one side, grape or strawberry jelly on the other, smushed together. It has just the right combination of salty and sweet. If you use crunchy peanut butter (as any true American should), you also get some nice texture contrast. Finish it off with a glass of milk and all is well in the world.
Cheeseburger: “Wait just a gosh darn minute, Kazzy!” you’re probably thinking. “A cheeseburger is not a sandwich!” Well, Google defines a sandwich as “an item of food consisting of two pieces of bread with meat, cheese, or other filling between them.” Last I checked, a cheeseburger is just that. You want to argue with Google? Be my guest. I’m pretty sure they have drones and billions of dollars and the entire internet on their side. So, yes, a cheeseburger is a sandwich and it absolutely belongs on Mount Rushmore. A well made cheeseburger stands on its own. But it also serves as a canvas. Want bacon? Go for it. Lettuce, tomato, and onion? Sure. Chipotle aioli? Be my guest. Why a cheeseburger and not a hamburger? Because you’re stupid if your answer to, “Would you like cheese on that?” is no. Or your lactose intolerant. Which is probably worse than being stupid. An ancillary benefit of including the cheeseburger on the mountain is that it reminds us of the bevy of hot but oft-neglected hot sandwiches out there.
Grilled Cheese: Another classic with a world of potential. True story: A diner in my hometown had a dish called the Happy Waitress, which was a classic grilled cheese with tomato and bacon. My friends and I frequently this place regularly after long nights of drinking. One such evening, we asked if we could modify the Happy Waitress. “Can you throw some sausage on there, too?” With each successive night, another addition was made. Ham. A burger patty. Inspired by the grease trucks at Rutgers, chicken fingers and French fries worked their way into the mix. It was a sight to behold, capable of making even the most sober of men vomit uncontrollably. It was dubbed the Horny Waitress (“Because it just can’t get enough.”) and can still be ordered by that name if you get the right waiter. Anyway, such is the potential of the grilled cheese. Though it can also be just as delicious in its most basic format. Ingredients matter… don’t skimp on the quality or quantity of cheese. But you’re pretty much guaranteed a great experience.
Italian Hero: Yes, it’s a hero. Not a wedge or a hoagie or a sub or a grinder. It’s a hero, goddamnit! And the Italian hero is the hero of heroes. Ham, salami, capicola, pepperoni, provolone cheese… an amazing mix of meatiness and saltiness and spiciness. Top it with lettuce, tomato, onion, hot peppers, oil-and-vinegar, salt, pepper, and oregano. Make sure you have good quality bread. Boom. You’re reading to rock. This will fill you for the better part of the day. Mind your ratios and, again, use quality ingredients.
There it be. What ya got?
2. A Proper Pastrami on Rye with Mustard
3. Meatball Heroes especially the Super Mario from Ike’s Place
4. PB and J.
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Were I go to that specific, I’d have to strongly consider the sliced Italian pork sandwich from D’Nics. With the hot peppers. Of course.
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This is not sliced Turkey but an actual Roast Turkey spinning on a rotisserie oven.
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Kitty makes those after Thanksgiving. Hm, if the hot dog is ruled out, I might have to put that one in.
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I dunno, I find the nitrates to be a real treat.
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The Philadelphia cheesesteak. Another hot beef sandwich, this one with lots of the thin beef mixed in with onions and peppers, and melted cheese. Oh yeah. When I was in Philadelphia, they put cheese whiz out of the spray can in there. When I first heard of this it sounded awful. But it worked quite nicely. Most other places, they put the beef and the peppers and onions on a griddle and then towards the end they know the slice or two of American or cheddar or Swiss and then that goes on the roll. A former friend once put ketchup on his Philly cheesesteak, but how could I stay friends with him after that?
In the world of cold sandwiches, conspicuously absent from your list was the club. If you ask me, the best club sandwiches come with three slices of bread. This makes them pretty tall, so you have to kind of squash them to get them to fit into your mouth. That’s part of the fun, feeling the crunch of the bacon as you squeeze the sandwich. For my money, the best meat to accompany the bacon is chicken, although more often you find turkey. The restaurant attached to the local driving range where I live puts in ham, turkey, and bacon as well as the vegetables and bread. Fantastic! And for those of you who must have your condiments, a club sandwich seems to acceptably take just about any kind of goo that you want to smear on there. Note that I am calling the club sandwich a cold sandwich despite the fact that the bread is to be toasted, because the meat is cold.
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Add to that the other local delicacy known as the hobo (egg, cheese, and meat on a kaiser roll with homefries thrown in there for good measure) and you can see why I’ve only had a McD’s breakfast sandwich but a handful of times.
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I love the McD’s sausage biscuit with egg. My wife prefers the McGriddles. But the important thing is, we make work.
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I love the McD’s sausage biscuit with egg
Dude, you sooo need a Tim Horton’s in your neighborhood.
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“I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.”
“So do I!”
“Well, let’s form a club then.”
“Alright, but we need more stipulations.”
“Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again.”
“Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad.”
“Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?”
“”I’m for ’em!”
“Well, this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide.”
…
“I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.”
“Well, then you’re not in the fuckin’ club!”
– Mitch Hedberg
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This has nothing to do with the sandwich that goes by that name in the rest of the country. Instead, our version is sliced deli meat (I prefer pastrami), swiss, cole slaw, Russian dressing, and brown mustard on rye bread.
It is heaven.
Rutgers is famous for its grease trucks, which sell hot sandwiches in various combinations. The original is the Fat Cat, which is a double cheeseburger with french fries, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, and ketchup all on a long hoagie roll.
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Did you just call Rutgers North Jersey?
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No, the sloppy joe is indigenous to North Jersey.
The grease trucks live at Rutgers.
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Coloring my perception here might be that the last Reuben I had was at Artie’s Deli in Manhattan, which is kind of a shticky, over-the-top Jewish Deli. The reuben is monstrous, such that I felt sick after eating it.
Then again, when you sit down, they give you a bowl of pickled vegetables. Not just pickles, but also pickled tomatoes and carrots. Delicious. And their cole slaw is top notch as far as northern varieties go.
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Somebody resuscitate Kazzy so he can be dead to me again. A Reuben is corned beef/swiss/Russian dressing grilled on light rye. Period, end of discussion. The monstrosity described above is like a root beer float made with coca-cola.
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*Although, I sometimes can’t find Russian dressing, and no one can clearly explain to me how it differs from Thousand Island?
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I’m with Kazzy. I dislike Russian dressing.
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(Seriously, though, I have never been in there with any other customers. I’m pretty sure it’s a front, probably for the Russian mafia’s Central Texas operations.)
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And the French restaurant I went to last night didn’t even serve French Fries. What the hell?
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Russian dressing:Thousand Island dressing::creamy peanut butter:crunchy peanut butter
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Getting the balance right without putting on too much kraut, dressing, or pastrami is tough. The proprietor of the place always seems to think 2x too much of one ingredient is the right way to make one.
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Let me then say that lettuce makes many sandwiches better, but nearly all uses of lettuce are the nuclear option. One or two leafs of very crisp lettuce are more than sufficient.
First sammitch is a Roast Beef and Swiss on Rye. Horseradish or a spicy mustard is required. Thinly sliced tomatoes are nearly a must. Bread, mayo, tomato, swiss, meat, mustard, bread. Peppers optional. For the side, salted kettle chips.
Second is the Hot Dog, which I include because Kazzy included the cheeseburger. There are three ways to have a Hot Dog: bacon-wrapped, with chili, and ballpark style (mustard, onions, relish). For the side, of course, fries.
Third is a California Club, because a regular club is a good sammitch, but throw some avocado on there and you’ve got yourself a miracle. Side is a pickle.
The last is an Italian Sausage and Peppers Sandwich. The side is fried potatoes and onions.
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Cartman: “Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?”
Smoove B: “Finally, my dinner of lobster, shipped to me that morning in only the coldest of ice from the finest lobster region in all of Maine, will be completed and placed on the table. Along with the lobster will not only be melted butter, but also side dishes.”
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I call for adjudication from the Hobo Atop The Mountain (that’s you, Kazzy). Hot dog count or no?
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If you’re using a real roll split open (like with sausage), I’m going to count it.
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I will nominate the Vienna hot dog, with mustard and onions. Specifically, the one you get from Gene and Jude’s hot dogs whose fries are the ultimate side. Or in this case, top. Yep, they come right on top of the dog, and are gloriously greasy and salty, and plentiful. If you ever get to Chicago, I can’t emphasize strongly enough how much you need to go here. And don’t ask for ketchup!
Next is an Italian beef, dipped. With or without peppers, your choice. No side necessary because the things are so damn big.
I’ll second the roast beef mentioned above, but on pumpernickel. And the chips have to be salt and vinegar.
Lastly, the sliced brisket from Smoque. Everything else is a pale imitation. Side: slaw, but not theirs. Cole slaw should be creamy. The other kind is just cabbage in vinegar.
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My kids are fiends for salt and vinegar chips. And they like the stronger brands, like Kettle Chips, over the more toned-down type put out by, say, Lays. If you feel the need to further shove it in your wife’s face (which I don’t recommend, mind), I can make you a video of them snarfing the things down like hungry wolves.
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Vinegar’s a german thing. (check out the “Natural” Heinz, it’s the original recipe)
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Your children have well-refined palates. Well done.
And I’ve become decidedly less obnoxious to my wife as I’ve moved into my 30s and fatherhood. Which means I’ve probably become more obnoxious to the rest of y’all. Sorry, I guess.
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Which is ironic given that one of the most important pieces of advice I dole out to others is “Pick your battles.”
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Because I’m the sort of asshole that researches a question about chip flavors to shove in his (wrong!) wife’s face.
Quoted without comment
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Where do you stand on using garlic bread as a stand in for the basic roll on hot sandwiches like the sausage and peppers (or chicken parm)?
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2. The Muffaletta – all the perks of your italian hero plus olive salad
3. The Cheeseburger – ditto all you said
4. Stepping outside the box here, just to give a little variety: a Fried Chicken Biscuit with honey. I knew that I wanted to do some form of biscuit sandwich, and I think a very well done buttery flaky biscuit with some fried chicken breast, well-seasoned with a touch of cayenne, topped off with honey is the apex of breakfast sandwiches.
I could talk for days about sandwiches. Really, I could. I understand your inclusion of PB&J and a grilled cheese, but I wouldn’t take them before any of the above. And while a grilled cheese is great, it’s not even the best form of a cheese-based sandwich. That accolade has to go to the pimiento cheese sandwich.
The only reason I didn’t include pimiento cheese is that I typically prefer my pimiento cheese with crackers, rather than in a sandwich form. That being said, those of you not from the South should try it if you haven’t: grated very sharp cheddar cheese, mayo, cracked black pepper, a dash or three of hot sauce to your liking, pimientos. Do not, under any circumstances, use pre-shredded cheese. That stuff is never high quality and it screws up the texture. Add just enough mayo to give the pimiento cheese a pasty consistency. Too much liquid and it throws off the flavor and texture. I like to drain off much of the juice from the jar of pimientoes, and then squeeze them out in my hand before I toss them into the cheese. That prevents the pimiento cheese from getting too liquidy, and prevents the pimiento juice from overpowering the cheese. Some add more than these basic ingredients. They get fancy with minced onion, or different cheeses. That’s all fine, but you can’t go wrong with this basic recipe. I can’t give amounts. I just eyeball it. Again, your goal is a pasty consistency, firm enough to break a saltine if you try to dip it in there, but with enough give to spread with a knife. Enjoy.
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See: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6877304
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Peanut butter and Jelly (ONLY apricot jam will do)
Panera Bread: Asiago Roast Beef sammach. Tasty Have a Cobblestone as a side :)
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Second, a jibarito.
Third, a Cuban (you know, with pork).
Fourth, hmm… a Reuben with egg salad.
And the sides for these, since some people think that’s important, are chips, maduros or tostones, maduros or tostones, and potato pancakes, respectively.
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I don’t know what that means, and I’m not going to ask.
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And good call on tostones. I’m not the biggest fan of Cubanos moreso because I find other Cuban dishes far superior. I rarely order it because there is usually something else I prefer on the menu. Pork-based, of course.
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No hot fudge?
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It’s better without the Budweiser.
That place also has this:
I ate that once. I couldn’t finish it. It was just… I still occasionally have nightmares.
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Kind of like this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:D%C3%B6ner_kebab.jpg
And I’d put that on the mountain of great sandwiches.
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French Bread Pizza sandwich – When I was a kid, my friends and I used to go to local pizza joint and get french bread pizzas. Then we’d fold them over and eat them as sandwiches. The bread was great and a little crunchy on the outside and nice and soft in the middle, with all the cheesy goodness.
Pulled pork – Always delicious, varies greatly depending on sauce used. I tend to prefer the slaw on the side instead of on top, but I can eat either way.
Cheeseburger – Ubiquitous, hard to screw up, and when it’s done well (but not necessarily well-done), it’s hard to beat.
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Requiescat in pace, Herbert’s, rest in peace.
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1. Classic grilled cheese with whole wheat
2. Grilled cheese with sundried tomato pesto and olives on wheat
3. Panini with grilled haloumi, avocado and olives
4. Vege-burger with lentil/soy patty, provolone cheese, onions, pickles, spicy brown mustard, no ketchup.
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2. Chicken salad on a wheat roll with just enough lettuce to make it crunch,
3. The club, with the four triangle surrounding a dollop of potato salad.
4. The patty melt: burger, cheese, and lots of onion on rye bread, all grilled.
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1. Cheeseburger
2. Grilled Cheese
3. Chicken salad
4. PB&J
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The true Rueben. (No spicy mustard)
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No, I would eliminate the cheeseburger and in its place put up the indispensable BLT. The incredible combination of bacon, lettuce and tomato with the handmaiden of mayo is a towering monument of the sandwich world. Also it contains bacon. I rest my case.
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A wonderful, wonderful fruit.
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On a BLT it’s an ingredient.
In all cases, it’s a significant argument against atheism.
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bacon is good, but its a bit of an overrated fad.
No wonder you got exiled to Eastern Siberia.
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If the Rushmore concept is to mean anything, it must be representative of the pillars of the sandwich world. Surely a toasted everything bagel, generous cream-cheese and fresh lox deserves a place just as much as the lowly PB&J. I’d also be willing to accept The Super Heebster or similar extensions of the concept as an alternative.
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Half the fun of this is arguing the rules themselves! You more than anyone should appreciate that!
Great point on capers with the cream cheese and lox. Though I have to imagine you are working with some sort of inferior bread circle out in LaLa Land rather than a true bagel.
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My fourth would be the panini or the pita.
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1. The spicy chicken sandwich at the Four Shadows bar in Chicago. It’s hard to describe, but if you like spicy (grilled) chicken sandwiches, I recommend it.
2. Italian beef sandwich with hot peppers.
3. Maybe an Italian hero, but it depends on what’s in it. I’m not a big fan of ham, but if it has pepperoni, then count me in. (The spicy Italian that Subway stores in some markets offer is what I have in mind, which is the Italian BMT without ham, I think.)
4. Thin-sliced corned beef on rye with mustard.
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1. The PB&J but using raspberry or strawberry jam rather than grape jelly. The peanut butter must be Jiff’s extra crunchy.
2. The reuben.
3. The classic bagel with cream cheese and lox.
4. The french dip.
5. Cubano.
6. Ban minh. (spelling?).
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2) Mexican torta
3) Sausage biscuit
Honorable mention) PB & J
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2. philly cheese steak from Jim’s on South St.
3. Grilled cheese.
4. Burgers.
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Hero sandwiches are fine, but they ain’t got nothin’ on the reuben. Or pastrami on rye with a really hearty mustard.
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