7 Movies that Accurately Describe Life in Canada

In our continuing quest to give you, our American audience, a vivid idea of what it is like to live in the Great White North, here is a list of seven movies that will help you understand Canadian life:

1. The Empire Strikes Back

Always living in fear of a takeover by an evil power (you), Canadians, like the Alliance, are forced to live on a remote winter landscape. Yes, despite our claims to the contrary, at least 8 months of the year Canada is essentially Hoth.

2.  Margaret’s Museum

Ever wonder what life was like on Canada’s east coast? Rampant poverty, little education, kitchen parties, mine cave-ins. Well, this movie gives you an accurate view into that nasty, brutish and short little life. Gritty and poignant, it will simultaneously make you curse Toronto and want to move there – the exact sentiment of any Canadian that doesn’t already live in the Centre of the Universe.

Oh, and like any good Canadian story, it stars a foreigner.

3. Honey I Shrunk the Kids

Sure, you noticed us at first , but since we burned down the White House, it’s been like we’re completely out-of-sight. In the movie, Rick Moranis had some crazy device that led to his obliviousness (I don’t know what with you, but I have a guess).

Sadly, Canada has never reached the end of the movie where we get big again and you can see us.

4. Family Business

A fresh-faced kid with his life ahead of him is pulled of a promising future by his geriatric criminal family and forced to take part in the life of a criminal. Sub out the criminal organization and insert the Monarcy and you’ve got Canada. Sure, the Royal Family isn’t the mob, but it isn’t not the mob either. Both have armed guards, are headed by old people with funny accents and built their wealth off of thuggery and extortion. And neither has done anything significant of note in a few decades (nostalgic movies aside).

In the end, this movie was a harmless little romp, just like Prince Harry.

5. D2: The Mighty Ducks  

It’s about hockey and no one likes it as much as the original. Did you really need to ask?

6. About A Boy

It would be easy to point out that Canada can be accurately described as a child compared to Hugh Grant man-child that is the United States. But it is really our resource-based economy that makes Canadian life like About A Boy. The kid, Marcus, has his shoes taken by bullies and needs Hugh Grant to get him new ones. This is the softwood lumber dispute in a nutshell (though in this matter, the U.S. plays both Hugh Grant and the bullies). Like Marcus and his shoes, we should have the ability to secure our own manufactured goods, but for some reason we just can’t. So we have to ship our wood to the States and then they give us, Hugh Grant-like, furniture. Well, at least we’re the more likable character.

Actually, the U.S. is even more like Hugh Grant. Initially engaged to a British beauty, he throws his life away for a prostitute in Los Angeles. Huh, tell me that isn’t the American Revolution.

7. Varsity Blues

Remember James Vanderbeek’s iconic line where he yells “Ah don’ want yo lahfe” and later he hits his Dad in the face with a football? Yeah, that’s what it’s like in Canada EVERY SINGLE DAY. We constantly yell “I don’t want your life” at the U.S. It’s so much a part of us we even created a Government Ministry of I Don’t Want Your Life. We’d throw a football at your face, but all our best quarterbacks are yanks.

And in the end, James Vanderbeek becomes a football star. That doesn’t bode too well for the future of Canadian sovereignty.