6 Beauty Secrets Your Lawyer Is Withholding From You!

If you’ve been around lawyers as much as me — or even if you’ve seen a lot of lawyers on TV — then you’ve noticed that these are really attractive people. They got that way for a reason! Now, if you just ask them, they’re likely as not to say, “That’s privileged information!” But here, at the New League, we reveal all, for you!

1. Don’t Eat! Like, Ever! 

Seriously, this is the best diet there is for shedding those annoying last ten pounds. Get up at six every morning and then work at your desk until about eight every night, non-stop. Don’t eat anything during that time. (Okay, some of us cheat and have a Clif bar about halfway through the day while parked at our desks. Still, that’s only about 300 calories.)

Instead — work! Read discovery, write briefs, take phone calls from upset clients and irritating adversaries, and very soon, you’ll be discovering that you need new briefs for yourself!

Now, you may wonder how it is that you can discipline yourself to do this. We’ve got an insider’s pro-tip for you below, but the real motivator is panic. Too much to do, not enough time to do it, no reliable staff to assist you, cutthroat competition for your job and your billable hours and your client loyalties — from the people you work with. Add to that adversaries hell-bent on describing every breath you take as felony-class deceptions worked upon the court, and you’re in a world of panic. You don’t have time to eat: you’ve got an ass to cover!

Save your daily allotment of calories for what counts: the sweet, sweet booze you’ll need to anesthetize yourself to sleep at night.

2. Suit Up!

Mm-mmm! A good suit is flattering for everyone, even people with not-so-good figures. They proclaim wealth, power, confidence, and worldliness. This is as true for women as it is for the gents — if the suit makes the man, it makes the woman, too.

Get the right shoes (wingtips, of course) and the right hairstyle (short and uptight).

If you’ve ever been beaten to the punch by a competitor better-dressed than you at the local watering hole, that’s a lesson you don’t need to learn again. Get some style, get some class, and get some action — the way your lawyer does!

3. Get Some Glasses!

Lawyers wear glasses because they have to — all that reading of fine print, staring at computer screens, and squinting at clients’ illegible scribbles absolutely ruins the eyes. Indeed, soon enough, contact lenses aren’t capable of being strong enough to correct your vision. So glasses it is. The right frames can really enhance your appearance, and after no time at all, the prescription will become so strong no one will notice the bags under your eyes.

Who says girls don’t make passes at boys who wear glasses? Glasses make you look smart, and smart is sexy, amirite?

4. Fear: The Equivalent of Exercise

One of the things regular exercise does for you is accelerate your heart rate, which has all sorts of health benefits. It makes you look and feel alive!

Now, it’s true that attorneys don’t often get a chance to hit the gym because they are so busy all the time, but they get the equivalent of a good fifteen minutes of hard cardio nearly every day when they discover incriminating information their clients “forgot” to tell them about, inducing stress, terror, and — you guessed it — adrenaline, which accelerates the heart rate! So that’s pretty much the same thing as treadmill time, isn’t it?

5. Sleep Like A Lawyer!

After all that caffeine, fear, and hard work, there’s nothing like a good night’s sleep. A few stiff cocktails soothes the attorney’s nerves in the evening before waving goodnight to those strange people she used to know who live in her house — who look like her husband and children, only older and more emotionally distant than she remembers them having been — and passing out from exhaustion at the end of the day.

A dreamless, fitful sleep, tossing and turning from stress, will work most major muscle groups while you sleep, and as a bonus, leave you feeling ready for that power-nap when the need hits at about 11:30 every day. But remember: don’t actually take that power nap, unless you can bill for it!

6. Caffeine: An Attorney’s Best Friend!

Remember above when we said we’d give you an insider’s tip on not eating? Here you go! Did you know what the top ingredient is in most diet pills? Caffeine, of course! And if you practice law, you’re likely to be consuming a lot of it.

Many lawyers report drinking enough coffee to be the equivalent of four diet pills a day. With that going for her, it’s no wonder your attorney can get through fourteen hour work days without stopping to eat even once!

Lay it on. Two, three pots of coffee a day. Now, this might not be great on your wallet, if you insist that every cup come from Starbuck’s. So think cheap, plentiful, and black. Now, some lawyers get to the point that they need powder cocaine to keep things going. But even so, lots and lots of black coffee is the #1 all-natural chemical supplement real lawyers use to stay awake and wide-eyed and it avoids all the trouble involved in finding a discreet dealer. So drink up, and when your ears start ringing, that’s what aspirin is for!

But remember: there’s more to the beauty and style game than just looking good! With all that stress and pressure, lack of sleep, poor eyesight, too much work, fear of failure, and student loans larger than the average home mortgage, it’s no wonder that attorneys are not only so gosh-darn attractive, but they’re pleasant to be around, to0. And now that you know how they do it, you won’t need a J.D. to look like lawyers do.