From The Office of US Congressman Maurice “Spence” Spencerton (D-FL)
!!!!! — PRESS RELEASE – PLEASE READ— !!!!!
For Immediate Release
Date: September 24, 2012
To: Members of the Press
From: Alan Pembrose, Reelection Campaign Communications Director
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, Congressman Maurice “Spence” Spencerton will be holding a press conference tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m. EST, at a location to be named later. At that time the Congressman will make a formal statement clarifying comments he made in a speech at this morning’s “egg-cellent” and well-received Breakfast-2-Restore America! fundraiser, which as I’m sure you know was held in the Liberty Ballroom at the Washington, DC Travelodge. Due to the demanding schedule of restoring America for the people, time will be limited. Because of this he will make a short statement, and will then take just two questions from random media members. (Note: We will look to notify the two randomly selected media members by this afternoon.)
However, certain stories posted on various Internet news sites suggest that some members of the press misconstrued the Congressman’s words at this morning’s Breakfast-2-Restore America! speech. In an attempt to clarify his words, we are therefore issuing this press release now in an attempt to avoid continued misunderstanding. In the interest of efficiency, we are including all relevant points in this single press release, and present them in no particular order:
A. First and foremost, we would like note that despite what many are reporting, the Congressman was quite sober for the breakfast. As you know, the Congressman is a God-fearing, true American man of temperance. He is also a man passionately committed to the great country of ours, and sometimes his passion leads him to speaking a voice that, while certainly raised, was not as loud as the Travelodge acoustics make it sound on the various cell phone videos that recorded much of today’s speech. Also, it should be noted that just prior to the speech, the Congressman had some minor dental work done, and this accounts for his somewhat slurred speech. And being a man of God, it will come to no surprise to Americans that know the Congressman that he ended the speech by bowing his head in prayer. Reports that he eventually passed out, his head drooling on the podium, are scurrilous indeed. We will leave it up to the American people to judge those jackals in the anti-religious, secular media who apparently prefer cheap ratings to accuracy.
B. While it is true that the woman who sat next to Congressman at his table was not his beloved wife, Trudy, it should be stressed that in no way did the Congressman know this woman prior to the breakfast. The fact that they entered the Liberty Ballroom at the same time is not an indication of anything except coincidence. It is possible that, en route to the table, the woman might have tripped into the Congressman, causing her to hang onto him for the duration of the walk to said table, but since this occurred long before so many people pulled out their camera phones, it’s also possible they never even touched at all. (Though her tripping into him would also explain the much-noted lipstick smears on his shirt collar, tie, and pants.)
C. Much has been made about the Congressman’s remarks about America’s fine African American community. When the Congressman said, “The only thing those people know how to do is screw, play football and pick up welfare checks” it should be noted that he was speaking both metaphorically and off the cuff, and because of this it is possible that his meaning could be misconstrued as negative. The word “screw” had been meant by the Congressman to refer to the common building fastener, used by hardworking American carpenters, machinists, and handymen everyday. We also hasten to point out that these screws, or building fasteners, are also used by very successful rich people as they fix various things in their mansions, yachts and Fortune 500 companies – so the use of the word “screw” was also not meant to imply that our fine African American brothers and sisters should be laborers. In addition, the Congressman meant to say “pick up the welfare tab,” a compliment to the extreme generosity of people of color everywhere. And everyone loves football, just like the Congressman loves Martin Luther King, Jr!
D. On a completely unrelated note, immediately after tomorrow’s press conference the Congressman is getting together to spend some quality time with several of his dearest and oldest friends, who in no way related to the current news cycle happen to be African American. There will be an opportunity for photographers to take pictures of him with these “Three Musketeers,” as they used to call themselves, before they go off to do some totally sincere, warm and playful catching up. (Our apologies, but due to a computer glitch we are unfortunately unable to get you their names at this time.)
E. If you listen carefully to the part of the tape where he speaks about his opponent’s chances carefully, you can clearly hear that the Congressman says he is going to “have him over and duck him in the class,” a trendy expression noting respect, commonly used by today’s youth and often heard in those rap songs kids love. That his opponent, a young African American himself, would degrade the music of his people by claiming the Congressman used different words – words that this office will not lower itself to repeat – is yet another sign that Congressman Maurice “Spence” Spencerton is the clear choice for Americans who still love decency and fair play.
F. Similarly, if you listen carefully you will note that the Congressman said that “You can always squeeze money from the Juice,” an homage to sports legend and Spencerton4Congress donor OJ Simpson – himself an African American and a player of football – which, as we noted earlier, everybody loves, just as the Congressman loves Martin Luther King, Jr! Also, the Congressman would like to note that despite what people might have misunderstood him to say, he unwaveringly supports Israel and is a huge fan of both Norman Lear and Fiddler on the Roof.
G. Although the middle part is too quiet to be picked up on the videos, the Congressman actually said “Let me tell you what, I hate the [fact that some people are] poor.”
H. Just prior to his closing prayer, the part of his speech where the Congressman “confesses” to embezzling millions for his reelection fund through choked sobs was clearly meant as a joke, albeit one that was not artfully told. However, the Congressman recognizes that the best government is a transparent one, and that is why is committed to releasing the financial records of his entire campaign for scrutiny at some point in the near future.
The Congressman looks forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Until then, my staff will make itself available to you to answer any question you might have about where tomorrow’s press conference will be, the degree to which the Congressman loves America, or how to spell “Spencerton.”