The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Zombies

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Kyle Cupp

Kyle Cupp is a freelance writer who blogs about culture, philosophy, politics, postmodernism, and religion. He is a inactive to the group Catholic blog Vox Nova. Kyle lives with his wife, son, and daughter in North Texas. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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11 Responses

  1. Avatar Burt Likko
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    says:

    Beloved celebrities like Justin Bieber or Katy Perry should stalk their once adoring now delicious fans.

    Over the top, laughing out loud at work. Nice work, Kyle!Report

  2. Avatar sidereal
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    says:

    Tremendous stuff, but I wonder if advice should be (like #3) focused on what to do and where to be BEFORE zombification, since once zombified one’s ability to follow sound advice is probably compromised by the total lack of higher brain function.

    So not only where on the body should one get bitten, but also where geographically. Cities are great for an early feeding frenzy, but once the populace is mostly converted the zombie to food ratio is going to be very high and mass starvation is probably inevitable. In a small town the conversion rate will be slow enough that it’s possible for the food to gang together and kill the zombies to end the epidemic locally. So you probably want to be converted in a mid-size suburb where food will be plentiful enough for a good supply without being so plentiful that you create a competing hungry army.

    Also, back to post-zombification advice, the inverse of #3 is that you should go for the legs and jaws to reduce future competition.Report

    • Avatar damon in reply to sidereal
      Ignored
      says:

      While true about cities and food, cities offer a higher proportion of “prey” who have already been legally disarmed, increasing their vulnerablity. A more suburban enviroment may likely have more “gun nuts” carrying 12 guage shotties. Therefore, stear clear of “gun nut” states like texas and large cities like Manhattan, but choose states with strong anti gun laws–maybe Maryland or New York.

      But being undead, do zombies starve or just go hungry and not die of starvation?Report

  3. Avatar scott
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    says:

    OK, this was really funny and I enjoy this genre, but could anybody tell me wtf is up with this zombie obsession? Genuinely puzzled about where this all came from……..Report

  4. Avatar Russell Saunders
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    says:

    This is so, so, so good.Report

  5. Avatar Roger
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    says:

    This was totally undead!Report

  6. Avatar damon
    Ignored
    says:

    ” It’s a hard “life,” full of unending hunger, long monotonous stretches of boredom, a homogenous diet, and unceasing drool. Plus, you never get to change into a clean pair of underwear, and that’s just bad luck.”

    And no sex. Perhaps the worst of all!Report

  7. Avatar Christopher Carr
    Ignored
    says:

    “Get Involved in a Community”

    I disagree with #1. Unless these zombies of which you speak defy the Inverse Ninja Law:

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ConservationOfNinjutsuReport

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