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34 Responses

  1. Jaybird says:

    Twenty years? Golly.Report

  2. Jeff says:

    Roy Clark is an amazing talent. I saw him on “The Odd Couple” decades ago and he switched from playing violin (for Felix) to playing fiddle (for Oscar) and back seemlessly and effortlessly.

    “Da Blues” is one reason I believe in something outside of ourselves (I call it “Spirit”, but the name is immeterial). We sing when we feel like crying (Klezmer, aka “Jewish Jazz” is a prime example of this). I don’t need an explanation; I just know it works.

    As for your friend, just hold his hand (literally or figuritively). It’s the single best thing you can do.Report

  3. Mike Dwyer says:

    I can’t think of Roy Clark without thinking HeeHaw. One of the television highlights of my childhood.Report

  4. MikeSchilling says:

    Dire Straits’s Romeo and Juliet is the best breakup song ever, moving from longing to anger to the truth that love never completely dies. But the best part is the anger.

    You can fall for chains of silver. You can fall for chains of gold.
    You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold.
    You promised me everything. You promised me thick and thin.
    Now you just say “Oh yeah, Romeo, you know I used to have a scene with him.”

  5. Pyre says:

    I would recommend Dr Dre’s The Chronic as an album for your friend to listen to. As a break-up album, it’s got it all. It’s got the violent revenge fantasy songs. It’s got the misogynistic phase songs. It’s got the “getting over it” songs. It has the “back in the saddle” songs. If you resequence the songs, it pretty much covers the whole process from start to finish.

    In my opinion, I think modern-day country took a severe dip in quality in terms of relationship songs in the 90s and only in the last few years has it begun to recover.Report

    • Jaybird in reply to Pyre says:

      Since we went there, I’d suggest Eminem’s “Superman”.Report

    • Chris in reply to Pyre says:

      Misogyny is a really bad place to go in a breakup. That shit scars your soul permanently. Post-breakup misogyny is the food upon which later relationship baggage feeds.Report

      • James Hanley in reply to Chris says:

        There’s really nothing like true forgiveness for coming to peace. The meaning of it isn’t really about what it does for the other person, but what it does for yourself.Report

        • MikeSchilling in reply to James Hanley says:

          So long as you stay angry, the person who’s wronged you continues to have power over you. Forgiveness is the only way past that.

          And, fortunately, your forgiveness doesn’t mean she won’t spend eternity rotting in hell.Report

        • Jaybird in reply to James Hanley says:

          I’ve seen a number of friends and acquaintances go through a situation where one of them done the other wrong.

          One of the worst pieces of advice I saw in the days immediately following the revelation was “you need to forgive”. There were discussions of the importance of the other person being a free spirit, “they were this person when you met them, that’s why you fell in love with him/her”, how it was important to be mature, forgiving, and listen to the angels of one’s higher self and all that.

          I beg to differ.

          I would say what the person needs most in this situation is a positive affirmation that, hey, you have been done wrong. The other person did something to hurt you and the fact that they hurt you is not indicative of moral weakness or a need for growth or any of that crap on your part. When someone screws with your mind/heart/whatevs and you get hurt, that someone done you wrong. And that’s bullshit. Here’s a sandwich and some alcohol.

          After a week or two? Yeah, get back up off the floor, you whiner. Get back in the game.

          Immediately following? That is not the time to talk to the victim about how s/he really needs to be a better person in all of this.Report

          • Chris in reply to Jaybird says:

            I think anger is a good thing in these situations, particularly short-term and close to the precipitating event. Forgiveness is fine, but do that later. Too early, and forgiveness is more repression than overcoming.

            That said, anger at the person is appropriate, anger at half the people in the world is stupid, and bad for you.Report

      • Pyre in reply to Chris says:

        No, it really doesn’t. Yeah, you don’t want them to wallow in that but short-lived misogyny phases can help a man get through the anger quicker.

        Some of the worst advice that you can give to someone at a time like this is to tell them to suppress their feelings because society doesn’t approve and it scars your soul and blah, blah. All that does is create a lot of repressed feelings. If the guy in question wants to rant that “they’re all *****es” immediately after the breakup, it is far better to let them vent all of that out than to tell them “No, you can’t feel this way. It’s not appropriate.” and let it fester. Now that is what causes real emotional baggage.

        Honestly, that’s one of the reasons that I dislike 90s country in terms of breakups. A lot of those songs could be summed up as:

        Female singer: I am free and better than ever now that I’m free of that loathsome toad who was a particularly repulsive member of a gender that was an evolutionary mistake.

        Male singer: I am a loathsome toad who was not worthy to touch the feet of the angel who has left me and my life will now forever suck.

        (For the record, it is true that I have quite a bit of 90s country both male and female in my collection. In fact, I believe I have more female than male if only because the guys were whiny during that period. That doesn’t mean that I can’t point out that the relationship breakup songs of the time were a bit one-sided.Report

  6. mac says:

    Hop on the bus, gus!
    and set yourself free.Report

  7. William H. says:

    I’ve been there.
    I can tell you that, in most cases, I’ve seen, those instances of long-lasting heartbreak are occasions where a person was saved from making a terrible mistake.
    The pain is the coming to terms with the willful self-delusion; that the person and the idea of the person didn’t exactly match up.
    First comes the forgiveness of the other for not being what you believed them to be; then comes forgiving oneself for being so stupid to not see it earlier.Report

  8. BlaiseP says:

    My personal end of the relationship song

    Feels like freedom
    Feels like pain

  9. Anne says:

    The whole album “Shoot out the Lights” by Richard and Linda Thompson. You have to know the fact that their marriage was falling apart at the time adds a whole other level to the music.

    Walking on a Wire, http://youtu.be/7o3h7eyVRp8
    Don’t renege on our Love, http://youtu.be/lX9iavUiLY4
    Did she Jump or was She pushed, http://youtu.be/nJ6OICtg3jw
    Walking on a wireReport

  10. BlaiseP says:

    My own little Jedi Mind Trick for getting over a bad relationship is to quit being defined by it. I was someone before the relationship and I’ll be someone after it. Of course, those are two different people: Nothing of him that doth fade, But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange….

    For a while there, yeah, sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell and you can’t stop thinking about it and having little fugues of maudlin inanity and rageful blustering and suchlike. It’s grief. Music is a great comfort in such times, it’s really the best sort of psychiatry. Get it out, have a good weep.

    But don’t beat yourself up over it overmuch. And do try to avoid drink and/or drugs whilst you’re grieving. Well, maybe weed. Weed’s interesting when I’m grieving. Calms me down but it won’t mend a broken heart. Nothing good came of beating myself up. Only way I could stop was to do an inventory of what was left and building an identity around myself, not my marriage, which I’d allowed to define me.

    Thereafter, I always kept a part of me for myself. Sorry, lady, I love you, but this loving you with all my heart crap is for kids and idiots. I love you with most of my heart. Never again am I going to sit so far out on a limb that anyone else can saw it off with me on the wrong side. And it doesn’t matter how much you love me, you keep a part of you for yourself, too. That’s the person I fell in love with anyway.

    Hark! now I hear them