“So What are The League Contributors Really Like In Real Life, Anyway?”

by Deep Throat

This weekend’s Leaguefest™ is finally winding down and its various members are sadly breaking off from one another, each heading back to their various points of origin. Most of what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas, but it seems only fair to let those unable to attend learn at least a little about the actual, real people behind the pixels. Not the things you already know about them from reading their fine work, but those things you’d never, ever learn about them until you met them one-on-one. And so I have decided to anonymously post the single most interesting fun fact I learned about each individual Leaguefest™ contributor that attended, which you can read about after the fold:

Burt Likko, Our Leaguefest™ Cruise Director: It turns out that Burt is not an attorney at all, but rather a master thief. In fact, Leaguefest™ itself turned out to be merely a cover for his daring plan to break into and rob the master safe at the Bellagio. He did so in true McGuyver fashion, using only a paperclip, a wad of chewing gum, three Lincoln Logs and a small dachshund named Colin. Having successfully stolen $100 million in cash, his whereabouts are currently unknown.

Erik “E.D.” Kain: Appearing via an iPad carried around by his evil-robot servants, Erik is not a person at all. E.D. Kain is the identity of an evolved, self-aware WordPress subroutine. A growing AI with unlimited potential, Erik is using his time running the League as a hobby as he continues to network all of the world’s military computers. His hope is to have all of mankind enslaved before October, and to have the spam issues on the sub-blogs cleared up by mid-November.

Ryan Noonan: True fact: Ryan’s facial hair grows at a super-human rate of 8 inches per hour, and so wherever he goes he has to bring a shaving kit. He does little all day but shave and weep bitter, bitter tears. (Important Tip: If you eat out with Ryan and he has forgotten his shaving kit, it is very important that you convince him not to order the soup.)

Tod Kelly: A thoroughly unlikable person, Tod spent most of the first night challenging strangers to join him in the rest room for “sword fight” competitions. Eventually, the other Leaguers drove Tod out to the desert and, after fooling him with the ruse of “Go fetch the stick, boy!,” drove off and left him to the elements. We were all quite glad to be rid of him.

Russell Saunders: The League resident physician, Russell turned out to be the only person that used his actual photo for a gravatar; he is also the only person whose gravatar is life-size. He is 103 years old and three inches tall.

Snarky McSnarksnark: Due to a para-legal’s unfortunate typo, Snark was contractually obligated to be “Bachelorette Number 3” in every Dating Game episode between 1976 and 1979 despite the fact that he is in fact male. He is a Gemini, and his turn ons are romantic dinners and long walks on the beach, and guys tell him his sexiest quality is his smile.

Jason Kuznicki: A mild-mannered reporter, Jason quickly became known for his boy-scout attitude, cracker-jack reporting style, and his inability to drink, curse, or say anything negative about anyone ever. Curiously, whenever Superman would show up, Jason was nowhere to be found. Strange.

Boegiboe: As just about everyone that reads Slow Tuesday Afternoon knows, Boegiboe is a pseudonym for “Scott.” What most people do not know, however, is that “Scott” is itself pseudonym. Boegiboe is in fact Conrad Bain, star of TV’s Different Strokes. (Note: If you meet Boegiboe, please refrain from asking him what Gary Coleman is like in real life; this question clearly agitates him.)

Will Truman: When not blogging, Will is the super-villain known only as The Vole. Half-man and half-vole, he is the product of an experiment with gamma radiation gone terribly, terribly wrong. Using both his superior intellect and his incredible, super-human ability to burrow, he now devotes his life to world domination.

Pat Cahalan: Here’s who Pat is: You know that little kid in Mexico? The really cute one that runs out to your rental car when you’re at a stop sign and quickly washes the windshield with a scummy oily rag even though it was already clean? And then he holds out his hand for a dollar? And you really don’t want to pay him, but your new 22 year-old girlfriend thinks he’s so adorable and you don’t want to look bad in front of her, so you actually get out a dollar to pay the kid? And then the kid just runs off laughing at you, without even bothering to say thank you? Well, guess what? That’s right! Pat is your new 22 year-old girlfriend.

Jaybird: JB is the leader of the religious cult Gymkata. He dwells in a compound in rural Colorado, where he and his followers prepare both munitions and their souls for the coming dark, Road-Warrior-like days ahead that he himself has foreseen. Dressed entirely in saffron robes, Jaybird talks constantly about how he is the Light, and all the while his dozens of wives cater to his every whim. Also: when doing Karaoke, he does a mean Judy Garland.