My Friends, A Conspiracy Is Afoot
Imagine, for a second, that it’s August 27, 2012, and you’re in Tampa. If you need some assistance with that, go stand in a hot shower. Or the oven. I can wait.
You are at the Republican National Convention. Willard “Mitt” “Mittens” Romney is about to be crowned the Republican nominee for President of the United States. There’s his delegation over there. They seem nice enough. Men, in suits. Probably job creators. The salt of the earth, real Americans…. wait. What in God’s name are those flags they’re carrying?
Sure, George W. Bush probably won in those places too. But he also won in real states. Like Iowa. Or Georgia. Or Alabamassippi. He was a real American. He didn’t need Hawaii to win a nomination or two elections.
Romney, though? He can’t win the nomination without those places. He can’t beat Rick Santorum, a real American, a man who shares our core values, without Guam.
Not to mention, do you know where Mitt Romney was born? Detroit. That’s not even in the United States. We have to import cars from there because Barack Obama has spent the last four years ruining the economy to the point where real, red-blooded American car companies can’t even compete with foreigners from Detroit. This is the guy we’re nominating?
And don’t even get me started on his religion.