The 10 Commandments of Tod
Transcribed from the Book of Jereniah:
Lo, for I am your Tod – and so that you shall have no other Tod above me I give unto thee the following 10 commandments that are Right and Holy, that you might follow:
1. Cheese is given unto you as a Holy food, and thou shall purchase it wrapped in plastic or wax paper. No cheese product in any kind of “can” shalt thou buy, for this is an affront to your Tod. Nor shall thou buy prepared food that featureth cheese from any kind of can, or has cheese that has in any way been “sprayed” onto your snack or entrée.
2. Vodka is a Holy Water, and when making martinis thou shall use only top shelf varieties that the martini should go down like silk. But when ordering the Vodka Tonics while out with friends, the well vodka shall you order – for the tonic overpowers the vodka, and your Tod appreciates a frugal mindset at times.
3. Reality Shows are forever cursed, and should be eschewed. For though they claimest to be edgy, they are in fact quite dull and your Tod can never understand what thou seest in them.
4. Christmas Carols and Music shall be sung by all that celebrate Christmas, but never until after Thanksgiving and never after December 25th; and no more shall thou make new “themed” versions of the 12 Days of Christmas – for I say unto thee they were never all that clever the first several hundred times someone did them.
5. Basketball is treasured above all other Sports, and those who watch it are blessed – unless they root for teams owned by Donald Sterling. Then shall they be eternally disappointed – and seriously, after all this time what didst they expect? Owners and players alike shall each be humble, and owners that complain they cannot competeth after signing Gilbert Arenas for $64 million, Drew Gooden for $24 million or Darko Millicic for $20 million should shutteth their pie holes.
6. Callest your mother. She misses you.
7. Maketh quality TV shows, I command. But also I command this: Be honest and pull the plug when the right time has cometh. No more of this “Hey, I bet we can make the X-Files for another year even though we have no more good ideas!” shall thou sink to.
8. By all that is Good and Holy, stop purchasing tickets to seeth the new Michael Bay movies. It only encourages him.
9. To those looking to park at the store, I command thee: Do not sit in your car and wait for those with shopping carts to get to their car, unload, and drive away. Rather, thou shalt have a backbone and walk a few extra yards and not keep everyone else waiting on thy lazy ass.
10. Oh, my children in their 70s, 80s, or older with Grandchildren, I say unto you: blessed be your reading the Family Circus. Oh, my children that are younger, I say unto you: please stop – it’s a little creepy. And please do not email ones you find particularly cute to me, anyone.
(many thanks to Russell)