LoOG Exclusive: Ask a Republican
[We premiere a new feature @ LoOG: Republicans are a largely unknown and alien race here.]
Few LoOGies observe Republicans in their natural habitat: Talk Radio comes in only through Media Matters’ accounts of it; V-chips are set to exclude whatever adult content there is at Fox News [fortunately, there’s none atall at MSNBC, so that gets through]; when the Right ventures into dabbling in the written word, [say, via Instapundit], it’s unreadable.
First, where are all these “Republicans” in real life?
“Where they are I don’t know. They’re outside my ken. But sometimes when I’m in a theater I can feel them.”
So said the late great film critic Pauline Kael, who knew only one person who voted for Richard Nixon in 1972 when he swept 49 states, including her own.
But these people are here among us. We have a list of 205 names, but cannot reveal them at this time. But we do have an actual Republican willing to speak off the record, whom we shall simply call Thomas X:
So tell us, what is the Republican mind?
There isn’t one, silly:
That’s Bill Whittle there on the right, BTW, not me. I’m better looking, although he ain’t entirely bad. The “evil” is a little inside joke. But we do like to go “nyah-ha-ha” and twirl our mustaches, if we can grow them. [If we can’t grow them, even some of the females, we just pretend.]
The rest, of course, is accurate.
Are Republicans crazy, or just stupid?
Michele Bachmann? Are you serious?
Not too serious. But as a member of Congress, she’s less corrupt and confused than Barney Frank, Maxine Waters or Nancy Pelosi. Michele’s only confused. You take what you can get these days.
I don’t think we’re serious. But he’s the only Give ‘Em Hell Harry we ever had, and Newt had a brief but glorious run back in the ’90s. He’s still a guilty pleasure for conservatoids, but the country grew to hate on both Truman and Gingrich, and it was their own parties who gave ’em the boot, not the other side. Both declined to run for re-election.
Yes. Dead serious.
Hey, it’s like this—back in the olden days, when the family assembled in the living room, there was only one TV. Everybody agreed on the Least Objectionable Program, the one everybody could stand to look at without puking. There were only 3 channels, and nobody watched whatever the hell was on the third one, ABC.
So that’s our strategy for lack of a better one. What, do you think anybody actually liked “Ozzie & Harriet?” We just hope Mitt makes America puke less than the other guy. A close call, admittedly.
[Next: “Compassionate” conservatism: New Coke vs. Coke Classic. Makes you appreciate the old formula better; sales rise.]