There Can Be Only One! (in which I use Highlander to finally figure out the GOP)

(Photo: Dinesh D’Souza experiences the Quickening after thoroughly defeating conservative rival Robert Spencer)

Via tweets by Erik I saw that FOX and Glenn Beck, each strong arbiters of the GOP faithful, are now saying that Gingrich – Gingrich! – is really a progressive socialist and needs to be tossed out of the conservative treehouse.

For a party that is desperately looking to regain not just power but an overwhelming majority to repeal Obamacare, the GOP certainly goes out of its way continually trying to whittle out long-time party members.  Like some kind of media-driven Jacobin satire, the GOP base continues to come to the ever-repeating conclusion: “If only there were far less of us, we could totally win every election!”  Every time they attempt to reduce themselves by another layer, I find myself sucked into thinking that surely now they will take a step back and see the folly in which they engage.  But credit where credit’s due: today’s GOP has the uncanny ability to surprise even an eye-rolling cynic like myself.  And with each new round, they push themselves from “entertaining” through “sad and demoralizing,” and all the way back to “entertaining” again.

Labeling David Brooks as a liberal socialist was kind of sad.  Doing likewise to Gingrich is funny.

(Hey, say what you want about the DNC, but at least they don’t brand the people sweating years of service to them “DINOs” and attempt to send them into exile.)

I was flipping through the cable channels this morning and came upon Highlander, the old Christopher Lambert movie that defied all logic by spawning an entire franchise of five sequels, three TV series and God knows how many comic books and dime-store novels.  And that’s when it hit me:

The GOP is actually preparing for The Gathering.

As we all know from the Highlander, preparing for the Gathering is a process where the GOP will look to reduce it’s numbers by taking out it’s kind one by one.  For a while approved party members will seem to be plentiful, but as they politically kill one another off those remaining will grow in strength, until finally – as the saying goes – there can be only one.

When you think about it, this also explains why each movement conservative is so aggressively anxious to be the one that actually delivers the death blow to the named apostate.  For a long time I had thought this was because there were a thousand tin-pot pundits striving to be the next Limbagh.  (Or at least the next Hugh Hewitt.)  But in fact, each is jockeying to receive the Quickening.  This of course explains why Ann Coulter seems invincible despite the fact that she is clearly so universally unlikeable: she has absorbed the electric life forces of Meghan McCain, Michael Steele and  the University of Ottawa.

What we are witnessing, then, is not a political party hell-bent on creating it’s own irrelevancy.  Instead, we have front row seats to an epic, immortal battle which when completed will leave the last remaining Republican with the Prize… and absolute power and knowledge.  When the Republicans have finally determined that lasting standing man or woman* they will rule in prosperity and peace for all eternity.

The only worrisome part of this is that with Highlanders it always comes down to a Good Highlander or an Evil Highlander.  It is therefore very, very important that we help position a Christopher Lambert/Rod Dreher-type Republican for the final crown, and avoid being stuck with the GOP version of Clancy Brown.  In fact, I’m happy to go with Dreher himself.  Or maybe Friedersdorf.  Or really, anyone like that.  Because seriously, if it’s Hannity we’re all fished.

So that’s my new pet theory about why the GOP acts like the GOP: There can be only one.

And stupid you might call it, but it’s no stupider than the belief they can create a super-majority going down the road they’re on.

* Ha! No, seriously, I kid.  This is the GOP.  It will of course be a man.