Read this hilarious blog post from a New York chef defending “Four Loko,” a controversial alcoholic energy drink that tastes like “malt liquor gummy bears.” I usually scoff at attempts to define our country’s essential ideological character, but this sort of thing gives me pause – maybe we are a nation of closet libertarians. Seriously, mess with the syntax and this is something Kuznicki could have written:
So, I drink a lot of four loko and its dope. That’s really all there is to it. I like gummy bears and I like alcohol that taste like malt liquor gummy bears. The whole crack down is comedy to me. I found this stuff earlier this year around March. I started seeing cans of it on the curb, mad people on the bus were drinking it, and the cans looked like sizzurp fucked an arizona iced tea. It was kinda crunk. I had one can and knew it was going to blow up.Four Loko gets you crunk for $2.50 and most people only drink 1 or 2. Its making news because people are ending up in the hospital as a result of BINGE drinking four loko but tons of people murk themselves for binge consumption of other things like cheeseburgers, cigarettes, and scientology. What’s worse? Four Loko or the Tea Party?
—
Politicians just want to find an easy hot button issue that they don’t need to actually read 300 page reports on to understand and can get the PTA/Soccer Mom vote for supporting. Ban alcohol targeted at kids, who wouldn’t agree to that? You put the word “children” or “kids” in the headline concerning a political position and its taboo. No politician in their right mind would oppose a four loko ban. But, I’m not a politician, I don’t have a constituency, and I think it makes no legal sense that this drink is being targeted.
On some Larry Flynt shit, I think a ban should be opposed. Banning four loko flies in the face of logical legal interpretation and the sole reason there is an argument to ban it is because what four loko promotes culturally (cheap booze) is an indefensible political position. Just like the prohibition of chronic in this country, there are so many things similar to four loko being permitted that it seems this is in danger of a ban because of the sub-culture surrounding it. Sometimes the law allows for cultural activities that conservatives oppose, but those activities don’t limit or endanger anyone else’s right to exercise their individual freedoms. So, logically, there is no legal reason why there should be a ban if we still believe in a social contract theory.
Link via Esquire’s interview with the guy, which is also pretty funny.
UPDATE: Reason has more on the Four Loko controversy.
What’s worse? Four Loko or the Tea Party?
What’s worse? Stuff that I like or stuff that other people like?
I think we can all agree that the stuff that I like is harmless when used responsibly but the stuff that they like is harmful and ought to be regulated.
Freedom is great as long as it’s mine. If it’s yours… well, we’re not entirely certain that you’re responsible enough to be free, Jaybird.
Being free means being free to be irresponsible, so there.
Mass hospitalizations from bingeing on cheeseburgers, cigs, scientology?
Huh. Guess I missed those headlines.
Must’ve happened while I was in a Four Loko coma.
Of course to listen to those who think we must behave (Neo Puritians) the binging leads to obesity and all of its problems. (They assume like the Puritans that its better not to enjoy life and that life should be all pain)
If I had to opine, I’d come down on the non-banning side of this debate.
That said, as argument against banning I found the Chef’s false equivalence both glaring and amusing.
It ain’t the most eloquently written post, to be sure.
So clearly, a ban is justified.
Truthfully, I went looking for Four Loko tonight but couldn’t find any. I was disappointed. I’d hoped to blog about it after I’d tried the stuff. (I’m more of a gin martini kind of guy, but in the name of research, I’ll make some sacrifices.)
If you want alcoholic gummi bears, you can always try any variety of schnapps. Maybe that’s the next thing to be banned?
Oh wait — that’s not declassé enough to get banned. Fire away, by all means. Don’t let me stop you.
I have, for reasons that now escape me, tried “Joose”.
It’s a malt liquor energy drink similar (I imagine) to Four Loko.
Imagine a Monster or Rockstar Energy Drink.
Now make it taste even more chemically with a tiny bite of alcohol. Now imagine being disappointed because you’re not *THAT* buzzed in either direction.
That’s pretty much the experience in a nutshell. You’re better off with Jaegerbombs.
I just read that last sentence again. Think about that.
Well energy drinks are caffeine and sugar, but alcohol itself is a depressant, so biochemically it’d be like strapping on a jetpack and also huge leg weights at the same time.
From my jaegerbomb experience it is more like simultaneously getting more energy and less judgement.
“Why, perhaps I *WILL* dance to this song!”
My natural judgment must be impaired then as I don’t need booze to hit the dance floor.
Yeah, but Joose didn’t do either particularly well.
Alcohol gets classified as a depressant because that is its high-dose toxicology, but the real story is more complicated. For most* people alcohol is a stimulant but has increasingly depressant qualities from the moment a person starts drinking. It’s a very peculiar drug, probably because it’s chemically the simplest safe** intoxicant humans use–with a simple chemical structure it is able to affect lots of different biological systems. Anyway, that first Four Loco is going to be a hyper-blast of stimulant–for people who aren’t already addicted to caffeine, that is.
*One theory about people with a tendency toward alcoholism is that the gradual reduction in stimulant effect doesn’t kick in for them the way it does for most people.
**Water can be an intoxicant, too, but at the levels that it inebriates it is always close to deadly levels. Methanol is simpler than ethanol, but it sure ain’t safe.
Damn, ya learn something new every day. Thanks Boegiboe!
This is interesting. It also explains why one is at their best playing bar and beer games after they’ve had at least one drink, about which I’ve always wondered.
I’m fine with Four Loko so long as it doesn’t come with a cheap plastic toy.
The two MAIN Rules of Life:
1. Have as much FUN as possible.
2. Stay out of jail.
They seem to converge in Chronic Caffeine Crunk.
Randy
What would Fra. Perdurabo say?
Randy…. of the redwoods?
Good advice!