Let Me Love– Til Death Do Us Part


Freddie deBoer used to blog at lhote.blogspot.com, and may again someday. Now he blogs here.

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10 Responses

  1. Bob Cheeks says:


    This is an outstanding piece.
    “Let’s be honest: yes, indeed, life-long monogamy is a difficult and uncertain venture. There’s little question that dedicating your life to a partnership with one other person, and maintaining sexual and emotional fidelity with that one person, is an enormous challenge, one that many if not most of us will fail.”

    I don’t know why it turned out, for me, the way it did but I never had a problem with fidelity or monogomy. And, yes there’s been problems: cancer, job loss, financial pressures, ect. that we’ve faced together and as a family and come out better/stronger people.
    To love someone is a choice that we make, everyday. Sometimes its automatic, sometimes you have to dedicate yourself to the idea. I’ve never had a problem with making that choice, I’ve always thought myself blessed to share my life with a woman who seeks the love of God, and that makes all the difference.

    Thanks for this Freddie and best of luck in your search for marital bliss!Report

  2. It’s ironic that so much is written by well-educated folks, many of whom are feminists that support and nearly exalt the idea of divorce…yet so many of them choose marriage themselves. While the divorce rate soared in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s it leveled off among educated women in the 90’s and has remained relatively low ever since. It seems that after the great purging of troubled and abusive marriages, most educated women just start making better choices of mates. People like Ross Douthat and Kay Hymowitz have written about this phenomenon. Educated women seem to realize that the best environment for raising productive children (the ultimate goal of parenthood is to pass on one’s success to their children) is to have a good husband to help raise them.

    For me personally, I recognize my mariage as not just a source of companionship and romance, but also as a partnership with a very intelligent and hard-working woman. We doubled our purchasing power when we were married, we balance each other’s skills, we divide the workload of raising kids and maintaing a home, etc. THAT is the strength of marriage. A good marriage truly is a rock, in ever sense of the word, on which you build a family.Report

  3. Jaybird says:

    Brilliant essay.

    Part of the problem, I think, is that “romantic love” is seen as an end in itself. It’s a lot of fun, certainly… but I’d compare it to Christmas Morning.

    When I was a child, my favorite thing in the world was to run downstairs and open presents. Now? My favorite thing in the world is to go over to the sister’s or friends’ and watch the nephews open presents.

    Romantic love is a lot of fun… but to compare with the joy of what romantic love can turn into? Man. There’s no comparison.

    It takes time, though. And, yeah, work. More work than enjoying opening presents, that’s for sure.Report

  4. If you are recently divorced, or going through a divorce, please: do the world a favor and leave your “marriage is a sham” testimonial to yourself.

    Excellent advice for overrated social trend columnists in The Atlantic. But maybe not so good advice for songwriters and other artists who actually have talent. Painful divorces and breakups have been fertilizer for some of the best and most moving music and poetry yet written. It’s probably no consolation for the pain, but a benefit to the rest of us.Report

  5. Alex says:

    I have to de-lurk here for a moment and say just what a tremendous essay this is that you’ve written.

    I will definitely share this essay with my family. My cousin’s parents are separating at the moment, and it is a very difficult time for us. But thanks for reminding that marriage can still be something valuable and worthwhile.Report

  6. B says:

    STYLE ADVICE 1: Never, never ever, use ‘pen’ for ‘write’.Report

  7. E.D. Kain says:

    Freddie, I read this when it first came out. Excellent piece…


    Part of the problem, I think, is that “romantic love” is seen as an end in itself. It’s a lot of fun, certainly… but I’d compare it to Christmas Morning.

    Totally. And we’re constantly inundated with this message that the only love worth having is that initial, hot-burning type – and once that settles down well then something must be wrong! Which is absurd, of course, but that’s what it’s come to.Report

  8. The only way to make 20 year old scotch is to put it in a barrel and send it around the sun 20 times.Report